Can you tell me if the platform ‘Бути’ [‘Be’ in English] is your main activity? Do you do anything else besides the platform?
Yes, my main activity now is the platform. I prioritise its development because I want to help people live through the trauma of losing someone they love.
How was this idea born?
Well, actually, like all good ideas – it came from personal pain and experience I had a very close person die from stage four lung cancer. It was a double loss. First, when we learned about the diagnosis, we had to come to terms with the fact that the person has this diagnosis and will be gone soon, and then when the person died, we had to experience the loss itself. At that moment, I faced the fact that I could not find support for myself. The case was that you either had to fill out long questionnaires and then no one contacted you, or you had to pay a lot of money for them to reply, or there were one-time consultations available for free, and I just realised I wouldn’t be able to do it in one go. It was 2021. Then I went to individual therapy and my life got wider. I realised I have time to return to my idea of helping other people in similar situations. And then a full-scale invasion began, and the issue of loss became even more acute. And these are such unexpected losses. We are faced with young people of 20 dying in the war.
The understanding that they have not yet seen the life, but have already died defending Ukraine… Mothers are left without sons and daughters, girls who dreamed of a wedding and marriage become widows. Too much of this pain is accumulating now and I realised that this is exactly the time to act. I began to expand my expertise. I trained as a death doula at the International End of Life Doula Association. And, little by little, I learned more and more about the topic of loss. My first step was creating the information resource and when it gathered some more people we started implementing other activities such as lectures, meetings, support groups etc.
What kind of help do you offer? I saw that you have a questionnaire available on your Instagram page that you can fill out and get help. Can you walk me through what happens once you submit the form?
First of all, we provide informational support. We systematically post information about any support available during going through loss, this includes information on how to support your loved ones, and reviews of TV series, films, and books that touch upon the topic. First of all, this is informational support. The next step is psychological support. Yes, we have a questionnaire, that everyone can fill out the form and one of our psychologists contacts him within 24 hours providing a consult.
We are now working on another support opportunity and soon will be announcing the opening of the women’s support group ‘СяяТИ’ [translates as ‘shine’ in English].
And who exactly can apply for help? Is it just the people who have lost someone? Because now there are so many losses, even if it is not close to you person, it still affects you.
We do not discriminate people in their losses. And we constantly talk about the fact that grief and loss are not necessarily about death – it can be the loss of a native home. For example, half of the people on our team are internally displaced. Therefore, I know very well that loss can be about home or about identity. It could be the loss of future plans because a full-scale invasion has made adjustments to our hopes and expectations, etc. People come to us with requests «I don’t know who I am after a full-scale invasion».
You have a journal guide on how to live through trauma. Can you tell me a little bit more about it?
It’s called Self-Care Journal When Going Through Loss And Grieve. This is my dream. I really wanted to create this diary so that a person could have worked through their loss alone, without even seeking professional help. It includes 30 different exercises split for each day, therefore a person can gradually go through each of them. There are exercises for body-oriented practices like breathing techniques or muscle relaxations. There are also exercises to control the memories and start planning the future. There is a separate section on how to communicate with people who remained close to you in this hard time. These are very diverse exercises and are aimed at two processes. The first is to work through the past, and the second is to start planning a new reality.
How did you come up with this idea?
I wanted to do it straight away when we first started developing the platform. I planned to create a product that would help people work through loss on their own. But I was also focused on offering it for free. I joined an educational program Halli 2.0 project from Hackathon. They trained activists and volunteers and then gave them mini-grants to implement the ideas. When we received a $150 mini-grant, we invested it in creating quality photos for the website and buying advertising. Then I made it to the finals and received support of $5,000. We spent them designing the journal, printing the first batch and distributing it to people. And I remember how inspired I was during every stage of the process. I worked on the diary every day, and when I first saw it I was literally on the cloud nine.
And there’s more to it. I knew all too well that for the person who would read the diary it may be difficult to cope with all the emotions, and, that’s why I wanted the diary to have some kind of mascot that would accompany the reader. I chose a firefly. Firefly was very symbolic because it meant that the support can be a small ray of light, in the path of darkness. And grief is a real darkness.
We also organised training for educators, psychologists, doctors, representatives of related professions, volunteers etc. We were teaching them how to work with a diary. Literally a week before the first training, I came up with the idea of creating a stuffed firefly toy that we would use for the exercises. I called it ‘Бути’ Firefly the same name as our platform is called [translates as ‘Be’ or ‘Exist’ in English] because it’s a most important thing for people who are going through loss ‘Just be’.
Can anyone order this firefly along with the journal?
You can’t order it yet as we don’t actually produce it yet. It is the only one we have. He is unique. But I use it in training and it works very well. I showed it [the firefly toy] to you, and you smiled at once. You ask why? Because it appeals to your inner child. That’s why the toy really helps during the training because when people pass them between each other, they simultaneously share light, love, and smiles.
When you were creating the journal, have you involved psychologists so they could check if the exercises would actually work?
Yes, of course. We wrote this diary together with Victoriia Chernova, who is a psychologist and supervised me while I was busy writing the journal. I took many of the exercises from the training when studying for a doula. There are a lot of body-oriented practices from Somatic Experiencing. They are all verified and confirmed to show results. Our psychologists also proofread everything.
Tell me, what are your personal and professional plans for the future?
In the near future, we are planning to launch a new project ‘СяяТИ’ [translates as ‘shine’ in English]. It is a support program designed to help women work through loss. The plan includes five meetings with the women, followed by a separate retreat in the Carpathian Mountains, and then a reflection meeting. After that, we’ll have a New Year’s meeting to bid farewell to the current year and another New Year’s meeting to plan for the upcoming year. This is a long-term support program, where we want to establish strong connections with our participants and offer them all the help and support. We strongly believe in this project. What we are trying to do goes further than five meetings, we want to create a community.
Also, to develop the organization further, I want to improve the journal and make a separate edition featuring personal stories of people who have coped with loss, along with feedback on how these exercises have helped them. I plan to be more active on Instagram so that more people are able to find out that grief and support can be healthy, sustainable and sensitive.
Can you tell me what motivates you and your work?
I remember Kristina from the 2021. She was confused and lonely. Not that I was really alone, because I had people around me who were ready to offer support. However, someone else’s grief can be so wearying that you can’t always bear it, even if it’s someone closest to you. I faced this first-hand when my closest people couldn’t stand it anymore. I remember feeling confused and lonely. I hadn’t had any proper l help. I had no resources. And I know that there are many people like me. I understand that I may not be able to reach everyone, but I truly want to bring warmth to as many people as possible. I want to place this firefly toy [shows a toy] in their hands, offering everyone support and reassurance of not being alone.
Translator: Anna Konovalenko
