Last days before February 24
On the evening of February 22 and 23 I had performances. We played “The Forest Song” at that time, I performed Mavka*. I really miss this performance and would really like to play it again in Kharkiv. It has a very symbolic text. However, that evening there was tension among the actors and audience. A performance is usually a mutual exchange of energy, but those days I gave emotions as if into a black hole. There was a nervousness among spectators and this feeling like “something is going to happen”.
I wasn’t fully focused on the performance. We’d been talking specifically about the war while going out for a break or between scenes. What we should do if it happens. It was a topical issue. Impossible to stay away.
After the performance, I was talking to my grandmother while going home. I said that I wish there would be no invasion and everything would be fine. My mother called me when I was already at home. Her husband, my stepfather, is a police major and he was urgently called to work, so my mother warned me: “maybe something… Something will happen.” Then I packed my rescue backpack, took a bath, watched a movie and fell asleep.
How it started
Along with the theater, I sometimes worked as a barista at friends` cafe. So at 6 a.m. I woke up not from the sounds of fighter jets or explosions, but from an ordinary alarm clock. And so, I went online, and everyone was online there. It never happens that I wake up at 6 in the morning and everyone is online. I called my mother, she said: “Didn’t you hear? Fighters have been flying since the morning.” I called a friend who owns a coffee shop and asked if we are going to work, he said that maybe we would open later. Well, we didn’t open.
There was no understanding of the scale on the first day. We didn’t know how barbaric the war will be. I decided to go to the store. There I noticed heavy traffic, I saw the hysteria of people. My mother was in the same condition. I was calm. I spent 4 days with my parents and then found out that volunteers were being recruited at the Regional State Administration (RSA) . I decided that I should be there. My friend who is an actor and I supposed that I will go as a volunteer, and he will go to the territorial defense.
My stepfather, who was on his way to work, had to give us a lift. At that moment, missiles started hitting the “Nikolskiy” shopping center, which is right downtown. So my stepfather dropped us off and we ran home. The next day, together with the volunteers, we went to the “All for Victory” volunteer tent, but then we actually went to the RSA again. There was a selection, the girls were the ones responsible for the kitchen. However, my friend wasn’t approved for territorial defense because he had no experience. All in all, I went to the RSA, and he ran to the theater.
When nothing matters but life
That day, I planned to work until the curfew, and then run either home or to the theater, but I didn’t have time. The girl and I worked all day in the kitchen, took some mattresses, pillows and stayed the night at the RSA.
At 8 o’clock in the morning we went down, some girls were already there, everyone was gathering, some just after a shower, some were trying out to dry their hair. I went to the restroom. I had hygiene products, a purse and a phone with me.
I go in, 5 minutes pass and the RSA got hit by a missile. The light goes out, half of my door is knocked out. I’m finishing what’s left of it. I see that everything is under rubbles. Things. Girls. Everything.
A military man comes, breaks down my door, I run along the corridor and a missile hits the second time. A military man is collapsed next to me. It’s dark all around, there’s dust, nothing to breathe and I’m standing there not knowing what to do. At this moment, my mother calls me, I pick up the phone because I realize: otherwise she will be horrified. I only said that I was alive. She hadn’t seen the news yet.
After that the soldiers started shouting if anyone was alive, I started crying out that yes. Then a gleam appeared and we were transferred to another place. I had all the documents under the rubbles at the RSA, but that wasn’t important at all. There were some girls under.
We were ordered to turn off all phones for three hours and stay in the shelter during that time. I met a girl there. She invited me to the new kitchen, and I agreed because I needed some distraction. I spent a week there without a shower and my usual bed. I decided to go home, but I had to come back. It was really loud that night. My sister burst into tears and my mother was very scared. I decided that we will move to Lviv. My mother couldn’t dare for a long time since our grandmother is sick and her husband cannot leave, but I insisted.
After the missile hit the State Administration, I was indifferent to all material things. I took jeans, a couple of t-shirts, socks and that’s all. My mother asked me: “Do you take any gold?”. And I thought: “Gold? Why do you need it now?”. Nothing was important to me at that moment.
Evacuation and volunteering
We went to Lviv by train. It was horrible, although we entered quickly enough. We squeezed into this couchette car*, where 15 people occupy 4 places. I immediately climbed upstairs. At first, a two-year-old girl was sleeping on me, and my sister and a boy were lying on the next bed. Over time, two other slightly older girls were put to me, and the two-year-old one was taken away. I held four children at the same time so that none of them fell. Somehow we got to the destination, it took us 19 hours. It was incredibly stuffy, the lights were not turned on at night. I was realizing: “If something happens now, people will simply crush each other.”
At first, I volunteered in “Wings of Hope ” in Lviv. We sorted out medicine for the front line. Then I wove camouflage nettings. In general, I was looking for something to do. At the same time, I stumbled upon Klyuchnyk`s post in the media. He wrote that they need people for the fund. I filled out the form and joined “Rescue Now” on March 14. I came as a call center operator, accepting applications from people who need evacuation. The situation was completely different then, unlike now. People called in panic, cried. Over time, we also began to accept applications for humanitarian aid.
I spent 3 months in Lviv, got a job in a coffee shop there, found new friends and an orthodontist. I had a good time there, I fell in love with Lviv. A little piece of my heart will be in this city.
Coming back home
Now there are a lot of chances abroad, including acting opportunities, but I feel that I should be here, in Ukraine. This is my home that someone wants to take away. And I want to help the country, do everything that depends on me. All of Ukraine is beautiful, but Kharkiv is my place of strength. Now Kharkiv is suffering, Kharkiv is wounded and I want to help my city. It seemed to me that I wasn’t doing enough in Lviv.
Not all of my friends are in Kharkiv now. Currently I can’t play on stage. But it turned out that I can live without the theater. Other goals emerged: to do more, to raise more money, to help more people. At the moment I am not thinking about the theater at all. I am drawn to what I am doing now: volunteering, charity foundation. I began to appreciate what I have even more. Today, going to “Protagonist” is already an event, and standing on the balcony and drinking wine is a moment worth enjoying.
New people, values and dreams
The coolest thing that happened was probably the comprehension that the people who are close to you, who will come to your aid — are not always your blood relatives. These may be the ones with whom you were just strangers recently. Now my social circle has completely changed. Before the whole thing I had relatives and friends in russia. They tried to explain something to me. I didn’t understand how people could treat the war like that. If my family was being bombarded with rockets and bombs, I would do anything to help. I would be an active participant, not a passive one. Even if I was in another country. You either do something or you don’t. I spent half a day trying to explain something to them, but I realized: it is impossible. I just blocked them and that’s it. We don’t communicate anymore.
Over time I started thinking that my present way of life doesn’t really fulfill me. But at these moments I’m like: “Stop, Katya, what are you thinking about? The war is not over. Now is not the time.” My psychologist says that this is a normal state and it’s okay to think about myself as well, but I still can’t devote all my time to myself.
Even before the whole thing I always had doubts: “What am I doing to make this world a better place? Running around the stage wearing dresses?” From time to time I had thoughts of finding some volunteer programs, going to Africa or something. It is necessary to form the right requests to the Universe, because It heard me – I am a volunteer. But under what circumstances?
All my goals were focused on the theater before volunteering. Today everything is different. My friends and I transport ammunition from Turkey, from time to time we do some raisings, and at “Rescue” I fit in as much as possible. Now I am raising funds for a car and I have a particular goal of 200,000. When my fund-raising is not going well, I get upset. If it is good, I am in a very good mood. This is already some kind of addiction. For me, volunteering is a drug. I can’t stop anymore.
Once a grandmother called us on the hotline with a request for humanitarian aid. We can’t bring it on the same day, but she had an anniversary, 85 years old. I called my friend Katya, she is a police officer and asked her to bring this package of food for this granny. They came with flowers and congratulated her. Recently a grandmother called and asked for 4 kg of chicken wings. She just needed someone to go to the store because she couldn’t do it. And I called my friend, he went, brought these wings and other products, but said that next time he will catch the neighbors saying, “Hey, grandmothers need to be helped.”
Of course, there are also some negative cases. Many things aren’t clear to me. I don’t get how people post something on social media not even realizing what they are doing. We simply bring ammunition from Turkey and charge 2 dollars for delivery, well, because it has to be paid, no one will do it for free. And then we visit the website and there is the same product, but they raise 100 % or 120 % of the price. I don’t understand how corruption can exist in Ukraine nowadays. That’s weird.
Some give their last penny while others try to profit from everything. I believe that after the victory we will still have a lot of work to do inside the country. Those who remain here will become a bridge for future generations. It’ll be very cool for our children to live in Ukraine, but for this to happen, we need to become this bridge. It will be built owing yo youth who have a sense of national identity.
Our treasures
I suppose that it is the cultural industry that has greatly lost these 8 years to Russian propaganda. I want to work on Ukrainian culture, on the Ukrainian language. I want our film, music industry to develop even more. I want our language to be trendy. This is about identification. We have everything, but we have been neglecting it for a long time.
I had no problems with the Ukrainian language. I performed plays in Ukrainian, but in everyday life I communicated in russian. Kharkiv is a russian-speaking city, it really occurred that way historically. We are very close to the border. Many of us have relatives in Kursk or Belgorod. And, in general, love to everything Ukrainian was not brought up in my family. They just didn’t think how important it was.
Since February 24 I have been communicating in Ukrainian in everyday life as well. Now I can’t imagine a situation where I would wake up and speak russian. My social circle was theatergoers that consist of conscious enough, progressive personalities. Thus, many of my friends also switched to Ukrainian. But this is a problem for older people. However, even my mother tries out to do it, although it is difficult for her. At the same time, I don’t support the wave of aggression towards those who have not switched yet. I stand for gentle Ukrainization. It should be deliberate: when you force, there will be a protest, a rejection of it.
We recently worked on an external questionnaire and began writing questions at the fund. Then I read them and say: “Yulia, do you realize it? How beautiful it is (there are words like “tsipochka”, “tsvirinkaty*”), what a beautiful Ukrainian language.” Well, this is a treasure. And how could we not understand this for such a long time. But we all are able to bring it up. And we can ease the way for the next generations.
Now, when I choose what to watch, I often focus on Ukrainian history or on Ukrainian writers and poets. That is, I am currently doing what I did not do before. I understand that the full realization of my identity did not come until after February 24. Before that, there was no awareness for 8 years. But I understood it and I am proud of myself.
*Mavka (Ukrainian: Мавка) is a type of female spirit in Ukrainian folklore and mythology. She is a long-haired figure, sometimes naked, who may be dangerous to young men.
*A couchette car is a railway carriage conveying non or semi-private sleeping accommodation.
*Tsipochka, tsvirinkaty (chick, chirping) – words are not translated to emphasize the melodiousness of Ukrainian language.
Translator: Bohdana-Nikolietta Terekhina
